become the entropy (wheel of time | alanna~siuan, moiraine/siuan)

[fiachairecht]

become the entropy. wheel of time, alanna~siuan, moiraine/siuan. staging a breakup to save the world and dealing with the friendships caught in the middle. 1.1k words, rated m. for elasticella in ficortreat 2023.

By the time Moiraine's presence fades from Tar Valon, ebbing like the year's last tide, Siuan feels only exhaustion. She and Moiraine had thrilled to the fight, to the puzzle of which truths would convince the Tower they couldn't so much as stand the sight of the other, but in the after all Siuan feels is exhausted, wrung out in a way not even the test for the Shawl had left her.

She seeks the solitude of her room after the gauntlet of Sisters whose sympathies and sneers alike held equal levels of artifice, but even that is cold: Moiraine will never again share this bed with her.

Siuan strips down to her underthings and climbs beneath the covers anyway, nevermind that the sun won't set for hours yet. She trails her fingertips over the empty space beside her, imagining the curve of Moiraine's hip, the fall of her hair, the flash of her mischevious eyes.

A knock startles her from her imaginings and Siuan groans, flinging her arm over her eyes as that memory, too, ebbs. She makes no move to get up: either the person will think better of their little adventure and leave, or—

She feels more than hears the door open, and doesn't have to look to know the only person left in the Tower who would dare enter her room uninvited. "Get out, Alanna."

The glimmer of light as Alanna channels a privacy ward is unmistakable even with her eyes shut, as is the way the mattress dips as she sits at the foot of the bed. Two thuds in quick succession that can only be Alanna kicking her boots off, and Siuan resigns herself to a conversation she had hoped to put off at least another day.

"You know," Alanna says. "In my family, when someone is as miserable as Moiraine's been for the past three years, we do not make things worse on purpose."

"I tried," Siuan says, and bites back which is more than I can say for you before the words can be tested against the First Oath. "This was a long time coming."

There's the soft rustling of cloth, and then an unmistakable crunch.

"Are you-" Siuan opens her eyes and pushes herself up to sitting. "Are you eating pistachios in my bed?"

Utterly unrepentant, Alanna shrugs. "Yes. And no, you can't have any. What in Light's name did you mean, telling Moiraine the Last Battle would come and go before you walked through Tar Valon together again?"

The line had been Moiraine's idea, Siuan thinks dimly. "Moiraine made her choices. She doesn't want to be tied to the city."

Alanna's eyebrows jump towards her hairline, like a marlin leaping for its prey. "Neither did you, once upon a time. Why does that mean—"

"Leave it, Alanna." The need to justify herself is burning under her skin, and Siuan knows that the longer this conversation goes on the higher the risk of Alanna — beautiful, brilliant, forever underestimated Alanna — understanding more than she should. "I just. I don't want you to feel that you have to choose between us."

The ghost of a smile passes over Alanna's lips. "I don't know how I would choose. You both said awful things."

Which had been the point, but, "I feel awful," Siuan admits, and is horrified to feel tears spring to her eyes. She swipes uselessly at them with the back of her hand. "I had hoped it wouldn't come to that, but we—"

Took what we wanted and paid for it. Will be paying for it the rest of our lives.

"Oh, love." Alanna sets the handkerchief of pistachios on the floor with less care than Siuan would have expected and crawls up the bed to curl on her side next to her. "I don't think this is the last time your threads will cross in each others' patterns, alright? Not unless that's truly what you want, and I don't believe that for a minute."

What truths does she have to answer that with? Siuan turns mutely to face Alanna, leans into her touch when she reaches out to twine one of Siuan's curls around her finger. "The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills," she says, and continues on right past Alanna's scoff, "And I don't know what will happen next time I see Moiraine. I don't know when I'll next see her."

"Plenty of time for you both to think on your apologies, then," Alanna says, and this time the smile is full and real, far too lovely a thing for the pain it spikes through Siuan's guts.

She leans further forwards, tipping her forehead against Alanna's. "I really don't want to think about the fight at all right now, actually." It almost feels a disservice to Moiraine, how easy it is to say the words, but she knows in her heart that she hopes Moiraine, too, isn't thinking of any of this — that she's curled up in a warm bath somewhere with Lan, napping on his shoulder with a half-drunk glass of wine.

Alanna is so very close. "Well, if it's distraction you're after."

Her lips are warm, pressing undemandingly against Siuan's in something that's almost more question than kiss. Siuan sighs almost despite herself, but when her mouth falls open and Alanna's tongue flicks briefly against hers, she thinks this is perhaps the only thing she knows how to truly want anymore. To want Alanna doesn't mean wanting the end of the Age, and Siuan grasps for the thought like a life raft.

"I miss her too," Alanna whispers. "I miss how we all were."

Siuan ignores the tears prickling once more in the corners of her eyes, swallows past the lump in her throat and reaches out to draw Alanna into another, deeper kiss before she can think too hard about dangerous things like maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing if Alanna knew.

She pushes the thought away and it seems to take all other thoughts along with it until all that's left is sensation, drifting on the current of Alanna's desire. And it's comfortable like that, to lean back against her pillow and let Alanna's mouth trace a lazy path over her collarbones and down between her breasts. When the rough feeling of fabric against her tight nipples is too much to bear she pushes her chest up to Alanna's soothing mouth; when Alanna's fingers reach her smallclothes she lifts her hips to let her pull the garment away and there's only the shock of cool air against the slick between her thighs.

Please, she asks the Wheel she knows won't say anything, please don't let any of this have been a mistake.

If Alanna's fingers inside her are meant to be an answer, she isn't sure what they're supposed to mean.